Tag Archives: church

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Joshua Harris Kisses Christianity Goodbye

Today’s blog will be a little personal and a lot theological. This isn’t new for me, but if you’re not interested in such things, I won’t mind if you skip it. However, it’ll tackle a cautionary tale of a writer’s influence. In this case, Joshua Harris.

For those who don’t know, Harris wrote and published an infamous book at age 21 in 1997 called I Kissed Dating Goodbye. It was an instant sensation, selling over a million copies. Unfortunately, as the trailer for Harris’ recent documentary on the book’s influence says, “The best-seller became the Bible for Christian romance.” He wrote a follow-up a few years later titled Boy Meets Girl since by that point he’d gotten married.

The cover to his infamous book, which was published in 1997.

Fast forward two decades. In 2016, Harris announced that he regretted writing the book because of the influx of letters he’d received from people who were hurt by his advice. He realized, among other things,

In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, it instilled fear for some—fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken. The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.

The poster for Harris’ new documentary.

This is prompted him to make the aforementioned documentary, I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and take this book and the sequel out of print.

Things got worse last month. He announced on his Instgram that he was divorcing his wife. A few days later in another post, he confessed,

I have undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus. The popular phrase for this is “deconstruction,” the biblical phrase is “falling away.” By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now.

There’s been a lot of talk in Christian culture about this, and understandably so. Harris’ influence was pervasive. I myself didn’t read his first book (I thought the idea was dumb), but I did read his second because I thought it had more legitimacy. I’m sure he gave most of the same advice. While I always balked at the idea of “not dating” and letting God providentially give you a spouse, these ideas became so common in the church, I think I absorbed some of them by osmosis. I was young and impressionable and hadn’t yet learned critical thinking skills (well, at least when it came to things espoused by other Christians). Do I count myself as one of the people hurt by Harris’ teachings? Yes, but I was hurt by his “splash damage” (to use a gaming term) and not directly wounded. I’ve been working hard to shed my old thinking for a long time.

Harris has admitted he’s a recovering legalist. He took the strict rules of the crazy, stereotype-creating spheres of homeschooling (#NotAllHomeschoolers) and made them mainstream. Legalism is always destructive. The problem is rules are easier to preach, teach, and enforce than comparatively nebulous principles. Jesus said to “love your neighbor.” That begs questions like, “Who is my neighbor?” and “How do I love them?” Rules regulate behavior. Principles guide motivations. That’s why Jesus spoke against legalism and “religiousness” more than anything else. Just read the Sermon on the Mount. He makes it clear that adultery is an action that stems from lust, which occurs in the heart. It wasn’t enough to stop the actions; the internal sin has to be quelled first.

Legalism frequently drives people away from Christianity. Such an emphasis is placed on rules that it robs churchgoers or young Christians of any joy. I’ve heard countless stories of this. I’m sure the seemingly extreme methods Harris advocated drove people away. It created not only tremendous pressure on young people, but an atmosphere of parental and liturgical tyranny and hypocrisy. Teens weren’t allowed to do the usually innocent things their parents did growing up. “Do as I say and not as I did.” Maybe those parents made mistakes and had good intentions, but as the old saying goes, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

Knowing all of this, it’s no surprise Harris’ life has turned out the way it has. His personal brand of legalism wrecked many people, possibly led to his divorce, and eventually drove him to abandon Christianity. It took twenty years for it to happen, but those consequences caught up with him. Now more than ever the rotten fruit of Harris’ teachings and those of the so-called “Purity Culture” are being reaped. Personally, I think recent events have invalidated all of books (or at least his books on dating and courtship). Regardless, I do hope and pray he finds his way back to the faith.

This should give writers pause for concern. Your words have power. The power to influence. That’s something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. James 3:1 says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” What we pen will guide and direct the hearts and minds of our readers. This is why parents often attack rappers, filmmakers, and video games after a school shooting: they think their products made kids go on murder sprees. (Perhaps that’s a bad example). My point is the knowledge and advice we share as writers, which in a way makes us teachers, creates culture and thoughts. Yes, we can’t control how people will respond to what we write and say, but we still yield tremendous power on our readers.

And as the late great Stan Lee wrote, “With power there must also come great responsibility.”

What do you think of the Josh Harris news? Are you surprised? Why or why not? Did you read his books? How did they influence you?

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Double-Minded: Christian Culture’s Diametrically-Opposed Views of Marriage and Singleness

Buckle up, True Believers. It’s about to get real!

I am a Christian. In fact, as a child I did everything in a church except be born there. While I love the Bible and its theology and doctrine, Christian culture annoys me. Trust me when I say there are huge differences. It’s one of many reasons why I love The Babylon Bee: Christian culture is a frequent target of their satire. As it should be.

Image taken from www.trumpet-call.org.

While there are many problems with the Christian subculture (which I will refer to as “the church” from here on), one of the most egregious, in my opinion, is that it is double-minded when it comes to marriage and singleness. To put it succinctly, if you’re already married, it sings the praises of marriage and family, but if you’re single, it does little or nothing to help you get married and tells you singleness is superior to marriage.

I’m sorry, church, but you can’t have it both ways.

Go to any church and you’ll see how it’s family-centric. There are programs for parents, spouses, kids, and teens. Some offer programs for college students and recent graduates, but they seem to assume that everyone gets married by their mid-20s—if not sooner—so little is offered for those who aren’t. There are frequent sermon series on how to have a good marriage or be better parents. It’s hard to not go a week without hearing the theology of marriage; how it’s an earthly echo of Jesus Christ and his “bride,” the Church. (This is something that isn’t meant to be taken literally, by the way). In other words, most of the Christian subculture is centered on marriage and family.

Just don’t expect it to help you get married, like I said.

When it comes to taking steps toward marriage, in my experience, the church is mostly famine and little feast. Generally it seems to think relationships happen by osmosis. It rarely facilitates opportunities for young people—who frequently express their desire to be married—to meet each other and fall in love. Yet in the rare instances when they speak on the issue, they say the church is the best place to meet someone special. All that “unequally yoked” stuff, right? But there are hardly any programs for singles beyond college. And don’t even think about being single after age 30! You’ll be a misfit among misfits. The church won’t have any idea what to do with you. The rare times anyone in the church does try to help singles get to marriage, they’re obnoxiously overzealous or have nothing to offer but empty platitudes.

But then there’s the insult added to singles’ injuries.

The church’s praise of marriage ceases with singles. No longer is it this wonderful, covenantal portrait of Christ’s love. No, it’s a distraction. Instead of Ephesians 5, singles get 1 Corinthians 7. They’re told that marriage will narrow their scope, distract them from serving God, and even make them preoccupied with “earthly” things (there is no marriage in Heaven, after all). The only benefit they might mention is it can help curtail sexual sin, and even that seems like a concession they wish they didn’t have to make. In other words, marriage is a detriment to the single’s faith. This implicitly condemns the institution of marriage, ignoring the fact that it was created by God before Adam and Eve sinned. It wasn’t a byproduct of the Fall that God had roll with. This mindset also ignores the personal and societal benefits of marriage, many of which are being missed because of the culture of protracted singleness (to which the church has contributed some, but that’s a blog for another day).

What this does to Christian singles is it leaves them silently shamed. They desire marriage, but they’re told it’s a detriment to their faith and potential. If it’s a hindrance, why would they desire it? Should they? Why would Christ allow them to desire something that would distract them from serving Him? Yet the church tells the married majority that matrimony is sacred and powerful and must be protected. Why do you think Christian churches are always the ones fighting for the definition of marriage being “one man and one woman”? The irony is they’re just as likely to tell singles it isn’t worth it. Maybe for the sake of consistency they should tell married couples to all get divorced so they can have “undistracted service” for Christ. Oh wait, God says He hates divorce, so they hate divorce.

This is a catch-22 full of knots that the church keeps chewing in the mouth from which is talks out of both sides.

Singles aren’t second-class citizens nor are they inherently superior because they’re unmarried. Their desire for marriage is a good thing. It should be respected, nurtured, and encouraged. The pain they feel from this unfulfilled desire should be met with compassion and understanding and not lectures on contentment and 1 Corinthians 7. Doing that is no different than telling someone whose grandmother has died that he shouldn’t mourn because she’s “in a better place.” This is a pain most singles don’t just “get over.” To be alone (and rejected) when you desire a spouse is a form of widowhood. The Bible frequently commands Christians to care for widows.

What the church needs is consistency. Celebrate marriage with everyone. Help singles maximize their lives where they are and don’t shame them for desiring a spouse. For those rare few who’ve been called to singleness, give them opportunities not afforded to married people. Modes of service don’t decrease with marriage—they just change.

Marriage is hard, but so is singleness. Depending on the person, one or the other will be more difficult. Someone should never be forced into either one if God didn’t create them to be that way. It’s a simple concept. But the church has trouble grasping such things.

Are you a single who’s been hurt by these conflicting mindsets? How so? What do you think can be done to remedy these problems?