Today’s blog—the second for this week—is somewhat related to my previous one.
Recent events in my life prompted me to research gaslighting, which then led me to look into narcissism. I realize that I, for whatever reason, am a magnet for narcissists. In fact, the people who have hurt the most and worst have been narcissists. I could name at least six or seven people whose words and actions have scarred me, and while I’m only an amateur armchair psychologist, they certainly fit the bill.
I had a “friend” (I use that word loosely) in college who was a pretentious elitist. I’ll call him “H.” He thought he was smarter than some of his professors and usually didn’t hang out with his peers because he thought he was better than most of them. Heck, I’d go to him for advice about getting a girlfriend even though he thought the girls on campus weren’t good enough for him. It was condescending, in retrospect. Anyway, without getting into all the gory details, I saw who he really was when he stabbed in the back (not literally, of course, but I sometimes think it would’ve been easier if he had).
At one point I was talking with another friend about H having an ego the size of a mountain. My friend said H’s arrogance was a front, a mask. He compared it to a scene from a pair of episodes of the original Star Trek called “The Cage” and “The Menagerie.” These episodes feature one of the Enterprise’s earlier missions when the ship was under the command of Capt. Pike. Anyway, the crew visited a desolate planet, and Pike is kidnapped by big-headed telepathic aliens called Talosians and taken underground. They go down an elevator hidden behind a thick door. Spock and the away team try to blast through the door with their laser (not phaser) pistols, but despite the explosions and debris, the door remains intact. They later bring in a huge laser cannon, which makes even bigger explosions and more debris, but the door still looks untouched. It’s later revealed the Talosians create illusions with their telepathy, which they used to hide the fact that the door had been destroyed. My friend said H’s arrogance—his narcissism—was an illusion. Our criticisms only seemed to have no effect on him. The truth was he was a fragile, damaged person who wanted to present himself as invincible.
On one hand, thinking of it this way, I can pity people like H. They’re afraid to be vulnerable, to let people know their weaknesses, so they put on a front. On the other hand, their narcissism leads them to manipulate, use, and abuse others. They’re control freaks with superiority complexes. To them people are toys and/or tools to be discarded when they’re no longer of use. H told me he did what he did to me because he was bored. The father of one of my ex-girlfriends refused to believe any man was worthy of his daughter so he treated her like a “porcelain doll” (her words). More recently, a colleague forced me out of project so he could have complete control of it.
I recently heard Steven Crowder say in a podcast that it is weak people who will betray and bully others (generally speaking). It’s because they fear strength. I’ve concluded that narcissists fit this description. Their narcissism is an illusion they cast to hide their weakness. They’re obsessed with what others think of them, so they have to always be in control. When they’re confronted with their weakness, they deflect the criticism and project it onto others. I’ve had this happen too. Narcissists have accused me of their faults. I’ve questioned my moral integrity and my perceptions of my own conduct. Now, however, I’ve realized it was nothing but gaslighting.
I’ve learned that the only way to deal with narcissists is, if at all possible, to cut them out of your life. Leave them to their own devices. Eventually, their lives will keep shrinking until they suffocate in the entropy. Only then will they be capable of remorse.
Maybe.
Have you dealt with narcissists? How did you handle them? What did you have to do to keep them from gaslighting you or controlling you? Do you have any sympathy toward them?
