Category Archives: Comedy

Dancing with the Heel

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: This flash fiction was written during a writers group meeting I attended. I was given a postcard with a photo and told to write a story inspired by it. I scanned the image and included it below. I thought at first it looked like a woman’s foot wearing a dance shoe, but then I thought it looked like a foot wearing a Greek sandal. That brought about this little tale. Enjoy!)

The image that inspired this flash fiction.

Achilles, clad in his best chiton, tapped into his warrior’s training as he rose onto his tiptoes and spun. His partner, Helen of Troy, whose face was ready to launch another thousand ships, spun with him, the skirt of her gold-trimmed white peplos billowing. But as Achilles descended, he stumbled and fell, nearly dragging Helen down with him.

“That’s the tenth time you tried that turn!” exclaimed Helen. “I’m going to need a new dance partner at this rate! The Greek Gala is only a few days from now!”

“I’m sorry,” replied Achilles, cradling his left foot. “I’ve not been the same since that heel injury during the Trojan War.”

Helen sighed. “Good thing I know an excellent podiatrist.”

‘Hot and Twisted’ – Coming to a Theatre Near You!

Pizza Hut recently unveiled 17—yes, 17—new pizzas and several other new products in an effort to appeal to a younger demographic (and become the Subway of pizzerias?). I’ve tried several of these new products, and they are tasty. The problem is they have ridiculous names. Some sound like titles for cheesy workout videos, like the Skinny Beach, Skinny Club, and Skinny with a Kick. One of my favorites is the Buffalo State of Mind, which on their computer screens is shortened to “Buff State of Mind.” That sounds like an exercise video hosted by Arnold Schwarzenegger that will prepare you to go to the Skinny Beach and join the Skinny Club.

That, however, isn’t what I’m writing about today.

What follows is a transcript for a fictional ‘70s exploitation action film using the names of other new Pizza Hut products (they’ll be in bold). No joke. That’s how goofy these names sound.

Enjoy!

In a ‘hood where a restaurant doubles as a whorehouse, Pretzel Piggy, the fattest and tannest pimp in Harlem, gets rich forcing his girls cook meals and sell their bodies as dessert. Even the cops turn their backs because his women were sweeter than donuts.

Now three of his hottest hookers are fighting back!

Ginger Boom-Boom, the black babe with a shotgun!

Ginger: I’m gonna smack that fake bake offa Piggy’s face!

Sweet Sriracha Dynamite, the roller derby girl who loves pipebombs almost as much she does skates!

Dynamite: I’m a recipe for disaster!

Cherry Pepper Bombshell, the femme fatale who’ll seduce you and then stab you in the back—literally!

Cherry: For the last time, I use a knife, not cherry bombs!

Nothing can satisfy their hunger for justice. These sisters-in-arms won’t stop until they find Pretzel Piggy and blow his house down!

Revenge is a dish best served…HOT!

Schlock Films presents…Hot and Twisted!

Written and directed by Quintin Tarantino.

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

(And don’t miss the sequel—Meatbrawl!)