Legacy.
According to Webster’s dictionary, it is “money or property left to someone by a will” or “anything handed down as from an ancestor.” Neither of these definitions fully encompass the word, though. They’re focused on material goods, and I think it goes well beyond the physical. A legacy is more about the influence someone leaves on others after they have died (or moved on to other things, perhaps).
Which makes the writing prompt for a writers group I attend—“What is my legacy?”—difficult for me to answer since I’m still amongst the living. I don’t know when I will die or what I will do between now and then. I could perish today or fifty years from now. My legacy would look much different, I think, depending on the timing.
When I was in college, a professor gave my classmates and I the assignment of writing our own obituary. It was his way of getting them to think about goal-setting, but it could also be said he wanted them to think about their legacies. I wrote mine assuming I’d live to be 100 and mentioned things like how many kids I had and the number of books I’d published. But it was wholly hypothetical, a “wish list,” if you will. None of it is guaranteed. But then again, we aren’t guaranteed anything in life.
All of that to say, I don’t know what my legacy will be. I don’t know if it will be in money, property, and/or influence. Proverbs 13:22a says, “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children.” That, I think, speaks of legacy in the best and broadest sense. A man can leave material things through his goodness. An evil man can accumulate wealth. We know this all too well. But in all likelihood, he probably won’t share it let alone have anyone to leave it to. A good man, though, knows he can’t take his property with him, so he leaves it to the next generation so that they may use it. I’ve heard many stories of people who were struggling financially and were saved by an unexpected inheritance they received from a recently deceased relative. That thoughtfulness and kindness will be remembered far more than the money that was given. Indeed, the money disappeared quickly, but the freedom it allowed, if the inheritor was wise, lasted for many years. It may have even inspired the inheritor to do the same when he dies, continuing the cycle from generation to generation.
That is what I want my legacy to be. Whether or not I have much wealth give to others at my death, I want those who remember me to see me as an inspiration. That I would be an example of a life well-lived. A life that, through kindness, continues on even after death.
Indeed, it may be the closest thing to immortality a human being can achieve.
I haven’t kept up with listing dates for book signings for a while mostly because I haven’t had many for a long time. But with two new books out, I’ve been stepping up my game. I have four—that’s right, four—upcoming signings in the next several months! These include:
September 25-27: Tri-Con, Evansville, IN – This was a last-minute addition. I know the organizers for this convention, and they’ve been trying to get me to come for nearly a year. I kept postponing a commitment because I didn’t know if I’d be starting grad school this month. That didn’t pan out, so I inquired about getting a table several months ago. The cheaper tables were sold out, so I tried to get some writer friends to join me so we could get a larger table, but that sparked such a long debate, we missed that chance, too. Then last week I was asked to man the Fans For Christ/Christian Gamers Guild table at the convention, where I’ll also be selling 42: Discovering Faith Through Fandom. At least, that’s what it seems. I’ve also been offered my own table. Yeah, it’s a little confusing. Hopefully, I’ll have it sorted out soon.
Tri-Con will be held at the Holiday Inn Airport. For more info, check out the convention’s website.
October 11: Joanna’s Treats, Kendallville, IN & the Cupbearer in Auburn, IN – My friend/co-author Nick Hayden and I will be two of many authors selling and signing books at Joanna’s, a family-owned ice cream parlor in Kendallville, Indiana, from 10AM-2PM. Then I’ll be joining many of the same authors at the Cupbearer in Auburn, Indiana, from 3PM-7PM. Joanna’s is located on Main Street in Kendallville, and the Cupbearer is across from the courthouse in Auburn.
November 7: Author Fair at Whitley County Historical Museum in Columbia City, IN – Nick Hayden and I will attend this author fair held at a small town museum. I don’t quite see the connection, but I’m not asking questions. These people contacted us themselves.
Writing and publishing workshops will be held from 10AM-12PM followed by the author fair from 1PM-4PM. For more info, go to the museum’s website.
November 14: Author Fair at Allen County Public Library in Fort Wayne, IN – Nick and I will return to the annual author fair at the Allen County Public Library in downtown Fort Wayne. It’s being held from 1PM-4PM. You can get more info on the ACPL’s website.
While at Gen-Con last month, a woman said something that struck me during one of the Writers Symposium panels I attended. She said that when she first started attending conventions after getting published and meeting some of her writer heroes, she suffered from Imposter Syndrome and felt like she didn’t deserve to be there. While she only mentioned it briefly, I knew exactly how she felt.
Wikipedia defines Imposter Syndrome as “a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.”
I’ve sometimes mused that the only reason I’m considered intelligent (I took an online IQ test as a college freshman that said mine was 135) is because the standards for intelligence had been lowered. Ever seen the film Idiocracy? That’s what I’m talking about. Couple that with being around friends like Nick Hayden (who won’t admit he’s a literary genius) and family like my brother Jarod who is super-talented and imaginative, and I feel like a midget among giants.
For example, a fellow Children of the Wells collaborator once said Nick creates complex characters and I wrote thrilling action scenes. Externally I appreciated what she said, but internally I was reeling. I liked that my stories were exciting, but creating great characters was a skill I thought every good writer needed to master. Action scenes were just window-dressing. (It didn’t help that she also said the hero I created for the serial was boring unless playing off of other characters while Nick’s were strong enough to work on their own). It was like she was saying Nick was Francis Ford Coppola and I was Michael Bay. I suddenly felt like the least talented person in the room.
When I hear back from readers, I sometimes find myself thinking, I have fans?! like I don’t deserve them. They tell me they love my books, and I almost blush from embarrassment. Sure, I’m a better writer than, say, that hack E.L. James, but I still feel like my stories and talent don’t hold a candle to my peers or the “truly successful” professionals out there (Neal Gaiman and Orson Scott Card, to name a few). Heck, when I’ve pitched The Day After to readers, I tell them I think the best story in the collection is Nick’s and not mine. (Jarod disagrees and says mine is the best, but I write that off as familial bias).
The reality of my situation is a mixed bag. I hold a degree in professional writing from a respected university and was taught by some of the best in the writing business, but if I was to look at my books’ actual sales numbers (or even just the number of reviews they have online), some would say that’s evidence that I’m not that good. I even had an agent—a woman I went to college with—tell me the book I sent her was well-written but wasn’t “trendy.” Yet, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve had readers tell me they loved my stuff when they read it. Heck, I had a new reader buy a copy of Ninjas and Talking Trees the last day of Gen-Con, and no sooner do I get home does she message me on my professional Facebook page to say she’d read a few chapters and now wanted links to the rest of my books. I didn’t know what to do with myself (other than send her the links, of course).
All of that to say that even at this year’s Gen-Con, I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. Last year I had terrible book sales. I saw myself as the least successful writer in Authors’ Avenue. Indeed, I even thought I was a rank amateur compared to most, if not all, of my peers there. They’re obviously more talented, marketed, and connected than I am, I thought. It took about a day-and-a-half of good sales at this year’s con for me to start putting that behind me, but even by Saturday, I was still a bit depressed. The kicker was getting a pep talk from a guy (sadly, his name escapes me at the moment) who saw me at the Christianity and Media Panel the day before to bring me out of it. He bought a copy of 42: Disovering Faith Through Fandom and after hearing a bit of my story, said he saw how I could strike up a conversation with any random passerby and use that to draw them to my booth. He was sure God would use me to glorify Him by building relationships, and that I had just as much of a right to be there as my peers did. I needed to hear that.
All of this to say that I have to remind myself that I’m not an imposter. I’m not the writer-ly equivalent of a Cylon masquerading as a human. I am a writer. I have been published. I have readers and fans. They may be a small number now, but they will grow. I have the respect and friendship of my fellow artists. I have all of these things for a reason, and not because I’ve deceived anyone or deluded myself.
To paraphrase Dr. Leonard McCoy, “I’m a writer, not an imposter!”
(Continued from Part 3).
Forgive me, True Believers, for my delay in completing this series. I do my best to post blogs on Tuesday and/or Thursday, but that doesn’t always work out. I lead a busy life.
Before I continue with the last day of Gen-Con 2015, I neglected to mention that I witnessed the fall of Cardhalla on my way back to the hotel that Saturday night. Cardhalla is a massive display created by con-goers using cards from the many popular games at the convention (though most seemed to be from Magic: The Gathering). Essentially, it’s a “city” consisting of houses of cards. On Saturday night, con-goers throw coins at the card towers to topple them and the money is collected to be donated to charity. I didn’t throw any coins since I didn’t have any, but it was fun to watch. One large tower refused to fall despite everyone’s efforts. A guy even tried throwing a Zip-loc bag of money at it, but he missed. I kept joking that any towers left standing should be “destroyed” by Godzilla cosplayers. Because why not?
Now on to day four…
The day did start with a bit of frustration. I ended up being late to the Christian Gamers Guild/Fans For Christ worship service because Jarod and I had to pack up the car and check out before it started at 9AM. We had to be out by 1PM, and since I was going straight from the service to the vendor hall at 10AM, we had to do all of that beforehand. Eric and Jarod went ahead of me while I took the last of our stuff to my car in the parking garage below. I had about fifteen minutes to get to the service—but realized I left my 10th Doctor costume in our room’s closet! I rushed upstairs, got a new card key, rode the elevator up, and got to the room, and grabbed my costume. By the time I returned to the car, I had only five minutes to get to the service. It was fairly close by in another hotel (in fact, it was held in the same room as the Five Year Mission concert the night before), but I still ended up being five minutes late.
Regardless, I found Jarod and sat with him. Eric was helping with the service. The worship leader (whose name escapes me, unfortunately) was dressed as a bard (gotta love cosplay in church). After singing and communion, the message was, as usual, delivered by Derek White “The Geekpreacher.” He came dressed in what I’d call “LARP armor” (minus the sword) and preached on Ephesians 6:10-18 (the “armor of God” passage, naturally). He said he conducted a poll on Facebook for the title of his message: it’d either be “The Power of Fairy Tales” or “Here There Be Dragons.” The latter won, obviously. The highlight for me was hearing him get the entire crowd—the largest ever for this event—to recite the most famous line from the original Conan the Barbarian movie. He asked, “What is best in life?” The crowd replied, “To crush your enemies and see them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women.” (I left the last part off unsure they’d say it. It’s a Christian service, after all).
EDIT: Here’s a video of his sermon.
I was surprised by how many people attended the con on Sunday. It was different sort of crowd, too. The usual 4-day attendees were there, but since Sunday is “family day” at the convention, many new people came. While I wouldn’t say it was as busy as Saturday was, it was still very active.
Regardless, I myself didn’t do as many exciting things that day. Eric left by early afternoon. I mostly interacted with some amazing cosplayers and sold my books. I even found I had returning fans! One guy even came by saying he remembered me from last year, having bought and read Destroyer and The Day After, and wanted more. I barely said two sentences before he grabbed both volumes of Children of the Wells and Pandora’s Box. It was the easiest $35 I’ve ever made.
The big highlight for me was meeting Marina Sirtis, an actress most famous for playing Deanna Troi on Star Trek: the Next Generation. While I wasn’t smitten with her like I was Summer Glau the day before, Mrs. Sirtis has had a greater influence on me since I’d been a Trekker since age three and was reared on both the original Star Trek and TNG. I didn’t have to wait long to see her since the line was short. Because of that, though, Mrs. Sirtis spent a few minutes with each fan talking with them as they got photos and/or an autograph. Like with Mrs. Glau, I intended to give Mrs. Sirtis one of my books. In this case, a copy of 42: Discovering Faith Through Fandom since one of my entries is about Troi. I wasn’t sure if she’d accept something with such strong religious overtones, but I thought I overheard her say to someone in line ahead of me that her husband was Catholic, so I thought I might have a chance.
When it was my turn, I got a photo with her and had a wonderful chat, telling her that I’d realized that one reason TNG resounded with me as a child was because Picard reminded me of my Dad and Troi reminded me of my Mom. “You must’ve had an awesome Mom,” said Mrs. Sirtis. “I did,” I replied. I seized the moment and gave her the book, explaining that it was a devotional for geeks and nerds. She was noticeably surprised by this. I then said I wanted her to have a copy as a thank you for coming since I wrote about Troi in an entry. “Let me read it,” she said. I turned to that page and she read it. “So, you use stories like this to illustrate the Scriptures?” she asked. “Yes,” I replied, simultaneously nervous and excited. “Thank you so much. I’ll read this on the plane back to England.”
I walked away a happy fanboy.
Safe to say when 4PM tolled, I was sad Gen-Con was over. Not only was it the four best days of gaming, it was four of the best days of my year. 🙂